10 Things I Find Ridiculous, Chapter 1

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This blog was originally posted in 2014, and I still find all 10 things ridiculous…

You might think this particular post is similar to my “Pet Peeve” posts. But my peeves are totally different than what I find to be ridiculous. Peeves annoy me; ridiculous things baffle and sometimes amuse me. So here are 10 things I can only describe as…

1) The murder trial OJ Simpson: This one is the epitome of ridiculousness. The fact that 12 jurors could buy the cockamamie fiction OJ’s attorneys fed them, is beyond belief to critical thinking people. I say had his lawyers gone with the theory that an alien landed his spaceship in Nicole’s backyard, committed the murders, then framed OJ before silently hovering back to the mother-ship, they would have reached the same verdict. I lost all faith in our judicial system that day. I now rest my case.

Beam me up, Scotty!

2) Diminishing eyesight: Used to be I was far-sighted. Now I am neither far, nor near-sighted. So where does that leave me? Blurry-eyed, that’s where. Oh, the joys of aging. Our muscles become soft while our lenses harden. I tell you, it’s ridiculous.

3)  Sagging: This is the fashion trend where young males, referred to as Saggers, wear their extremely over-sized pants far below their waists. In fact, the lower they can get ‘um, the cooler they feel. Maybe I’m aging myself but here’s what I see: a young man holding his pants up in order to walk, while at the same time stepping like a Geisha girl in a kimono because the crotch of his jeans is nearly around his knees. Come on!  I’m all for fashion statements but this one completely escapes me.

I just don't get it

4)  Academy Award winner speeches: These are precisely why I tape the program. I fast forward through all the gloating to get to the good stuff – the dresses. Hey, isn’t that why we ladies tune in? In fact, I usually mute the red carpet segment too. Anyway, when will actors learn that an Academy Award doesn’t equate to curing cancer or solving world hunger? What the award actually means is this: you did a good job of pretending to be a particular character and your publicist did an excellent job of marketing you and your movie. Now get over yourself.

...and thanks to God, my country, my mail carrier, my dog groomer, for they are all responsible for my awesomeness.
…and thanks to God, my accountant, my mail carrier, and my stylist, for without them, I wouldn’t be as awesome as I am

5)  Smart cars: Really? My scooter is safer than cars like these that crumble upon impact. Now don’t get me wrong; they may be eco-friendly, but what do you care when you’re dead? At least on my scooter I can see what’s about to annihilate me.

A not-so-smart car, if you ask me
A not-so-smart-car, if you ask me
After colliding with a motorcycle. A motorcycle!
After colliding with a motorcycle. A motorcycle!

6)  Watermelon with seeds: Why bother with spitting out those slimy black seeds? It’s gross and nobody can pull it off without looking vulgar. Besides, eating watermelon containing seeds is like choosing a Walkman over an iPod. Why would anyone do it? Try the seedless, people!

See what I mean?
See what I mean?

7)  Viagra Commercials: Does anyone believe there’s one single man in America who hasn’t heard of this wonder drug for weenies?I think not. So save your millions on advertising costs for a product every male knew about mere seconds after the very first commercial aired. Here’s a thought…why not throw some of that dough toward a cure for breast cancer?

8)  Honking your horn in bumper to bumper traffic: Seriously? What’s up with that? We’re all stuck, not just you, so get a grip. Unless you’re trying to send a polite warning of: please don’t back up, I’m behind you, or saying hello to someone in the next car, you’re being a jerk. So quit it.

9)  Diets: It’s a dirty word, if you ask me. The fact is, it takes weeks of watching what I eat to lose five pounds, but a slice of lemon meringue pie and two peanut butter cookies later and I’ve gained it all back, plus two pounds.

10)  My dog Skip: It’s been months since I had the new dog door installed and Skip still can’t figure out how to use it.

Fortunately, I’m never at a loss for finding the ridiculous; all the more to blog about. Stay tuned for the next chapter.

You Can’t Trust Anyone

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Busy, busy…oh so busy; therefore here’s a blog post from October, 2016.

I’m sitting on my sofa writing this, fighting off something intangible, unlike the pesky fly that buzzed around my face earlier today. That reminds me, what’s a fly doing still hanging around in October? Didn’t he get the memo it’s time to move on? Anyway, what I’m fighting off today is exhaustion and I’m afraid it’s gaining the upper hand.

i-am-tired

Normally I write in my office where I usually house a feral foster kitten. When I’m too busy to hold the little munchkin, I sometimes socialize it with a wand toy in one hand while typing with the other. So finishing a blog post when I’m fostering can be long and tiresome, not unlike this election season.

my-latest-foster
George, my latest foster

Anyway, I’d be in my office right about now but I don’t have the stamina to walk the 28 paces to get there. Yes, I actually counted. So I confess I wasn’t being honest just now because I actually walked the distance then came back to my cushy sofa to continue writing. Which brings me to the point of this week’s post; you can’t trust anyone.

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When a Cat Loves a Woman

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Originally posted in 2017

My cat Tippi is in love with me. And I’m not talking puppy love either. This is full-fledged kitty passion. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Now don’t get me wrong; it’s not like she’s always been enamored with me. Quite the contrary. No, this love affair has taken years to blossom, which makes her recent adoration all the more perplexing.

tippi

If you know torties (tortoiseshell cats), you know they have what’s referred to as tortitude. And trust me here, that’s not an exaggeration. They’re often temperamental and unpredictable, facts I never knew back when I was mostly a dog person. Didn’t know much about felines at all, only that my cats were all different. Surprise, surprise; cats have personalities. Go figure.

I found my first feline, a calico kitten, on a ranch I jogged by one morning. She was barely alive so I scooped her up, took her to a vet, and was told she had pneumonia and probably wouldn’t make it. But Rudie was a survivor.

Rudy sleeping

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Searching for Clarity, Peace and Perspective

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I have a busy brain.

That’s a polite way of saying I’m a bit scatterbrained. Maybe more than a bit. How about somewhat? That’s slightly more than a bit but not quite a lot. So now that we’ve established the degree of my scatterbrainedness, let me explain.

busy-brain

Life is busy. You’d think the older we get the less busy we are but I find it to be the opposite. Retirement is supposed to be a time of relaxation (I hear), being free to do whatever you want…or nothing at all, if that’s your thing. I don’t know what nothing at all feels like. Running a nonprofit in my supposed retirement years pretty much seals the fact that the word rest is not in my vocabulary.

Besides being on call every day, my animals keep me hopping. And I always have a To-Do list for my house. My ex used to call me Mrs. Winchester because I never seem to finish working on the place.

winchester-mystery-house
The Winchester Mystery House — 160 rooms built over 38 years

Adding to my activities, there’s family I need to see and tennis to be played. And I can’t forget time spent with my besties — having them over for dinner, going to movies and out to lunch, shopping and traveling. Who has time for rest? I’ll do that when I’m dead. In the meantime, I need to find a way to quiet my mind because the rest of me isn’t cooperating.

So I decided to practice meditating. As in sitting still for an exorbitant period of time, thereby removing all thought from my mind in order to gain clarity, peace and perspective. At least I think this is what meditation entails. Maybe I should look that up.

brain-breaks
aka meditation

I have to say I don’t have high hopes I’ll succeed at this endeavor. The idea of me actually sitting still for more than 30 seconds and clearing my head of the multitudes of random thought constantly permeating my gray matter is like expecting Trump to go a day without using social media. But hey, I’m willing to give it a try.

So last week I looked the part — sat alone upstairs in cross-legged fashion, the back of my hands on my knees, palms turned upward, thumbs touching middle fingers in the traditional meditation pose.

meditation-pose

Then I realized I had no mantra. So I got up and Googled the only chant that came to mind: Tina Turner’s mantra in her movie, What’s Love Got To Do With It.

tina-turner-chant
2 hours???

Back upstairs and anxious to reach that trance-like state, I began chanting. But my busy brain resisted. It went something like this:

Is that the gardener I hear blowing leaves in the rain? Why doesn’t he take the day off?

Relax, Janet. Calm your mind.

Hum, maybe I’ll make some minestrone tonight. Wonder if I have enough veggies?

Breathe, Janet, breathe.

Don’t forget to buy batteries. Who are you fooling? You’ll never remember the batteries. Better write it down when you’re done meditating.

quiet-mind

That’s how it went for what felt like 20 minutes but in reality was 120 seconds. Just two minutes in and I knew this meditation stuff would be one of the more difficult things I’ve tried. Parachuting from a plane was way easier than attempting to keep my body still and mind quiet.

On second thought, maybe gaining clarity, peace and perspective isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I, for one, will probably never know.

inner-peace

Originally posted in January, 2017

How I was Rescued by Seven Kittens

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Kern kitten 1
Kern kitten 2

So Wednesday morning I’m on the freeway bringing kittens to get spayed and neutered at a local veterinary clinic. Naturally, I’m late because the freeway is a parking lot. In the back of my SUV, seven of the 11 kittens we rescued from Kern County are serenading me with a chorus of meows.

What lucky kitties. Our feral cat rescue rarely deals with domestics but when we learned these were scheduled to be euthanized for lack of adopters, we decided to help. And that’s how I found myself on the freeway Wednesday morning.

kern kitten 3
kern kitten 5
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