Recently I started believing luck isn’t my friend. In other words, my luck sucks. But now I realize, depending on how I look at things, bad luck can have a silver lining. So by changing my way of looking at things, lo and behold, I discovered I’m actually a lucky duck.
While I was stuck in downtown traffic, my cell phone rang. Since I’d just delivered feral cats to be sterilized, I picked up the phone thinking the vet might be calling. That’s when I noticed a police car in the lane to my right, the officer watching me holding my phone.
Never ride your scooter on the freeway in a tank top when you’re 62 years old. And when you have upper arms that, on a good day, flap around like fish out of water. Add whipping winds while you’re scooting at 50 mph and what you get is slapped silly by your own arms. I tell you, it’s not a pretty sight. Soon you’ll find yourself riding down the freeway with your arms pinned close to your sides so as not to cause a pile up when motorists look on in horror.
Okay, I changed my mind. Maybe my arms aren’t so bad after all
Do not attempt, on a Wednesday, to push your 153 lb. sister in a wheelchair DOWN Sacramento Street in San Francisco, especially after receiving the wrong directions to your destination. You will be on your heels the entire journey, mimicking one of those barefoot water skiers, in your attempt to prevent your sister from careening down a steep city street like Steve McQueen’s car in the movie, Bullitt. Now don’t get me wrong; what goes down must come up. All 153 lbs. UPHILL, in a wheelchair.
If you ask me, which you didn’t, the world can be a scary place these days. But I have a theory as to the problem and how it can be solved. Yes, dear friends, it’s a simple solution and one that is readily available because half the world’s population has it: estrogen.
Yes, you read that correctly; it wasn’t a misprint. I do proof read what I write, you know. (Unless it’s 1 a.m. Sunday morning.) That’s because my blog posts at 7 a.m on Sunday. In that case, you get what you get because my Sleep Number bed calls me, leaving me more inclined to ignore a sentence ending with a preposition.
Anyway, my theory isn’t going to endear me to male readers. And although I’m sad to see you go, sometimes one has to take a stand, even when it’s not popular. And let me just say I like to be popular. Not that I am. But I like to be.
Yesterday I was reading about observational studies, including ways to influence people without actually speaking to them. In other words, silent communication. Not that I want to influence anyone, mind you. Nor be silent. As you learned in last week’s post, not speaking is tough for me.
But ever since I minored in Abnormal Psychology in college I’ve been fascinated by studies that attempt to interpret behavior (probably why I’m so interested in true crime stories). So here’s what I learned from these various studies:
1) If a person is interested in who they’re talking to and what they’re saying, their pupils dilate. So next time you go on and on about your crappy job, look closely into the listeners eyes. If those pupils are as tiny as a grain of sand, consider changing the subject. Sex is always an eye opener.
Definitely discussing sex
2) If you’re a waitress, studies show that servers who touch customers on the arm, shoulder or hand get better tips. So get grabby and rake in the bucks, ladies! I’m guessing that means waiters, however, should keep their hands to themselves, lest they get slapped with a sexual harassment suit. Talk about double standards…
3) If you want to look important, take up space. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not talking scarf an entire bag of Double Stuff Oreos and put on the pounds. Taking up space means it helps to sit tall during a job interview. Statistically speaking, taller people are more liked and rise higher, professionally, than shorter folks…just another reason for me to resent being 5’3”.
So last Wednesday I’m out of nectarines. Or maybe it was Burrata cheese. The point is, United Market carries the best of both so I made a quick stop. If you’ve never had Burrata before, I ask you, “Why the hell not?!” Simply drain the liquid, slice off a creamy section, drizzle it with olive oil, sea salt, freshly cracked black pepper and red pepper flakes (if you like to live dangerously) then dollop it on toasted, sliced baguettes rubbed ever so slightly with a clove of garlic. I tell ya, it’s cheese heaven.
Anyway, while I shopped, I found much more I wanted to buy. As usual. To look in my cupboards you’d think I’m housing 4 people here. Hey, I stock up. I’m a stocker. But the thing is, while I roamed the isles, I noticed how crowded the store was for a Wednesday afternoon.
I’ve been coming to this United Market since I was a kid. My mom brought my sister and me with her each week. Vicki and I sat in the cart eating Flicks milk chocolate discs. They were our reward for being tolerable while Mom shopped. Sometimes, when we were exceptionally good, we got Necco Wafers. I don’t recall having the opportunity to enjoy those very often.