So you probably know about my trials and tribulations with a leaky kitchen faucet. Trouble was, the insurance inspector couldn’t say for sure if that caused my hardwood floor to buckle but they refused to replace it just the same. I griped about it, threatened to go elsewhere, and the funds miraculously appeared in my checking account.

So off I went to look for new flooring, deciding on Luxury Vinyl Planks because it’s practically bullet-proof. That’s fine and dandy but what I wanted is flooring that’s pee-proof, water-proof, scratch-proof, and one that cleans itself. I got three out of four. Not bad.

You see, Taffy misses her pee pad almost daily. Callie, who is 13 this month, physically can’t make it out the dog door most days and try as she might to hit the pee pad, her foggy eyes mean her aim isn’t stellar. Then there’s Oliver with his luxurious long fur (which means constantly cleaning up hairballs) and Fat Jack who overindulges then promptly vomits his meal. Consequently, as much as I like it, hardwood flooring in my house is dumb.

So after much research, I ventured into the flooring world. So much to choose from is the kiss of death for me because decision making isn’t my strong suit. The first group of samples I brought home were too dark so I switched tactics and went lighter. That’s when I hit the jackpot and found EXACTLY what I wanted.

Now don’t get me wrong; I didn’t get what I wanted. Know why? The previous month it had been discontinued. Figures. Well, onward-ho! I then found my second favorite but lo and behold, it too was no longer being manufactured. Here’s a thought: remove those samples. But you know what they say:

So once I narrowed it down to 4 samples, I invited Hilary and Annette over for lunch and asked them to choose. That way I could blame them if the final result sucked. Thus began the fun of removing everything I could lift, leaving the piano and furniture for the crew. Sadly, I have endless items I can lift so there went half a day.

It took 3 days to complete the dining room, living room, hallway and 2 bedrooms but the noise was so loud my 6 cats became ghosts. The scaredy cats only emerged at dinnertime, albeit cautiously. Even Callie hesitated to come downstairs. I assured her the flooring isn’t as slippery as hardwood but she didn’t believe me. I had to use my bribing skills to coax her down with her favorite treats.

Once everything was completed, it didn’t take long for someone to christen the floor. I’m guessing the culprit was 3-legged Callie who pees a river and is lucky if she hits the pee pad. I give her credit for trying though.

Besides, that doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s an easy clean-up now. No more staining the hardwood and no more toenail tattoos throughout the floor. I even bought Ruggables — area rugs you can toss in your washing machine. Piece of cake.

So spill red wine on the floor; no rush to clean it up. Wear spiked high heels, I don’t mind. Go ahead, drag a chain saw across my living room. Wouldn’t bother me a bit (although I’d wonder why you brought a chain saw). Bring it on! Nothing will damage this floor. I’m ready for ya. Gimme what ya got.