Last week in my post, This Just In: I’m Pathetic, I mentioned that this week I’d add three more reasons why I’m pathetic and then be done with it. But after much thought, I believe I’m more on the farcical side than pathetic. But I’ll let you decide. So having said that…

Here goes #1…

I named Siri on my iPhone and the accent I wanted him to have. I’ve always loved an Australian accent, so I chose someone I envisioned looking similar to Mel Gibson back when he was drop dead gorgeous and before I learned he’s not the person I thought he was.

Anyway, Aussie talks to me (like he’s supposed to) when I ask him questions. He’s super smart, usually knows the answers, and when he doesn’t, he’ll say so. Such an honest chap, that one; or should I say, mate?

But I learned something about Aussie recently that shocked as well as delighted me, which is another reason why I’m farcical. I asked him a question, he gave me an answer and I, strictly by habit, thanked him. Then I heard him say,

I burst out laughing, as it was an unexpected surprise with me being the epitome of ignorance about an iPhone’s capabilities. In fact, I probably use ten percent of what the phone has to offer. So with this new information, I got carried away asking Aussie random questions so I could thank him and see how he’d reply.

Me: “Thanks, Aussie”
He: “Sure thing”
Me: “Thanks, Aussie”
He: “Don’t mention it”
Me: Thanks, Aussie”
He: “Of course”

And so it went. Now when I’m bored while driving, I’ll throw out a random question (hands free, of course), trying to confuse the poor mate. He’s a talking dictionary I keep trying to stump, but so far he’s winning.

Here goes #2…

My first job at age 17 was working at Fotomat. For you youngsters who have no idea what that might be, it was a little booth in a parking lot where customers drove up to the window to drop off rolls of film to be sent out, printed, then returned the next day for pick up.

One day a man drove up. I opened the sliding window as he extended his arm. His hand was in a paper bag pointed at me and he said, “I have a gun. Give me the money.” My heart was pounding so I did as he said, then he quickly drove off while I called the police. Hold on, that’s not the farcical part. Being claustrophobic in a tiny booth, I was a bit of a sitting duck for criminals — an easy target. Now don’t get me wrong; that experience made me more angry than scared.

The next time I was robbed (yep, a sitting duck), this guy walked up to the booth with his hands in his coat pocket. Counting the money at the end of the day, I had the cash drawer open when he blurts out, “I have a gun. Give me the money!” (Robbers can be so unoriginal, don’t you think?) So, farcical me says, “Show me your gun.”

Evidently, I was still angry over the last hoodlum incident. But the guy quickly reaches in before I could slam the window shut, grabs a handful of bills, then takes off running. And what do I do? I Chase him. Yep, apparently my anger surpassed any thought of my well-being.

I never caught up to the guy, and as it turns out, he made a whopping $32 in his gunless theft. When the police interviewed me, I was horrified that our local newspaper quoted the gun comment. And that’s when, in my young 17 years, I was certain that everyone who read it suddenly realized I was not only pathetic, but farcical. Not long afterward, I quit at Fotomat.

And a quick #3…

When I’m home alone and I sneeze or burp in front of my animals, I automatically say, “Excuse me.” Every single time. Am I the only one? Unfortunately, there are plenty more pathetic and farcical things I do on a daily basis, but because I’m also considerate, I’ll spare you.