Tag Archives: humor

What I’ll Never Do

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The other day as I drove down the freeway, a car suddenly left the fast lane and cut across 2 other lanes to reach the upcoming exit. A bold and reckless move. I caught myself saying out loud, “Whoa, that was crazy. I would NEVER do that.” (Although I admit I’ve come close.) And thus an idea was born for my blog. So here’s what I’ll never do…

HITCHHIKE

As you learned from my Boogeyman posting, I’m a fan of murder documentaries. So I know what can happen when someone, especially a lone woman, sticks out her thumb while standing alongside a road, asking a complete stranger to take her somewhere. Seriously? Have these people never heard of the Texas Killing Fields? You might as well be saying, “Hey psychopathic ax-murdering rapist-kidnapper, where ya goin’? Can I come along?”

Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying all those who pick up hitchhikers are any of the above. But am I willing to take that chance? I think not. Let it be known I’m not a lucky gambler, the sole reason I avoid casinos. It’s one thing to lose a bundle of cash. But by hitchhiking, I’d inevitably be playing Russian roulette with a fully loaded chamber.

BUNGEE JUMP

Speaking of death wishes, I’ve tried a lot of things that could be considered adventurous, maybe even dangerous. Or stupid. I’ve jumped from a plane; went gliding; rafted down a class IV river; biked around Lake Tahoe before I was a biker; kayaked alongside Orca whales off British Columbia; camped on a safari in Africa where a hyena slept against our tent; sat mere feet from a towering bull elephant; took up snowboarding at age 58 (not my brightest move); enjoyed hot air ballooning; tried parasailing, and more. But bungee jump? Nuh-uh. Never wanted to. Never will. That’s just crazy.

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Now Don’t Get Me Wrong

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Since I’ve been having technical difficulties with my blog (which I believe is finally solved), I didn’t write a new one. But here’s one of my very first posts from 2012…

I realize today’s post will probably offend those of the male persuasion, but on behalf of women everywhere (or at least those who read this column and happen to agree with me), I feel it’s time to break the silence.

My intent today is not to insult men, but rather to enlighten them to Proper Behavioral Manners, henceforth known as PBMs. The perplexing male behavior I’m referring to is, specifically: (a) nose picking, (b) spitting, and (c) the ever popular crotch grabbing. Continue reading →

Gone Girl: A Suicidal Spider

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Good news…I’m now able to access previous blog posts since I couldn’t the last two weeks. Still can’t post an original one. But I’ll take what I can get at this point until I find a human who can fix the issue. Apparently, WordPress has no humans available to assist technologically challenged idiots such as yours truly. So thanks for bearing with me until this gets straightened out.

I hate killing things. I shoo flies from the house and scoop up spiders to bring outside. When my cats bring in lizards (once I found one staring back at me from my pantry shelf), I place them in my critter container used specifically for their release.

for-critters

I’m considered to be a pescatarian, not to be confused with a Presbyterian. That means I don’t eat meat but will eat seafood. Prawns, calamari and scallops are the extent of my fish consumption. They don’t have faces, making it somewhat easier for me to swallow them.

cow
Thanks for not eating me

I suppose technically prawns and calamari have faces, so someday I probably won’t be eating them either. I don’t know how long I can handle the guilt before I go completely veggie. I’m Catholic so I harbor a fair amount of guilt.

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What’s a Dog to Do?

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Number 9 of my 10 pets is Taffy. Here’s her story...

I imagine many people awake in the morning to the scent of coffee brewing, the aroma of eggs and bacon wafting throughout the house, thanks to a thoughtful significant other. Now don’t get me wrong; none of that describes my mornings. For instance, take Thursday morning last week.

You know that sound people make when they’re about to vomit? Sort of a dry heaving that comes in three second rhythms until it’s no longer dry? You know what I mean if you’ve ever had food poisoning or possibly one too many Moscow Mules. So I immediately recognized what was happening on the floor of my bedroom.

Moscow Mules
Go easy on these

You see, my latest mutt, Taffy, has taken to eating cat litter. Just another non-endearing trait from this adorably obnoxious canine. At least it’s corn-based litter, which might be the attraction. But her obsession with it is unwavering and my attempts to block her from that room (while giving the cats access) have obviously proven unsuccessful.

Taffy close up2
Adorably obnoxious
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Love Me Some Sweet Releaf

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You’ll have to excuse me if I’m slurring my letters. You see, I’m under the influence of weed cream. Therefore, I can’t be held responsible for inappropriate words I’m likely to type. There’s also a chance I might not make sense. But what else is new? Let’s blame it on weed cream.

mercy wellness2

What, you might ask, is weed cream? Actually, I’m surprised you don’t know. Being one of only 2 other people I’m aware of on the planet who’ve never tried marijuana, I thought pretty much everyone was savvy to the multitude of ways the drug is used. Now don’t get me wrong; I’ve still never smoked the stuff. I’m more interested in the medicinal effects of pot. This is what happens with age.

It’s not that I have anything against pot smokers; I just never had any interest. I did, however, try smoking a cigarette once. It felt like my throat was closing and I’d slowly suffocate to death, whereupon I’d be found days later half-eaten by my dogs. Unlike my cats, they aren’t as particular about what they consume. Meet Picky, Picky and Picky.

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