Tag Archives: humor

Living with My Imperfections

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I’m finally on a short vacation so here’s a post written when I was MJ (Married Janet), before I began adding photos.

I can’t say there are many personal features I particularly like about myself. To begin with, I’m three inches too short. At only 5’3” (and that’s stretching it a quarter inch), all my pants need to be hemmed.

My car seat is so far forward, the steering wheel appears impaled in my chest. And hiding those fat bulges isn’t easy because, let’s face it, there’s just less territory. Continue reading →

How to Spot a Psychopath

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I just found out my friend Pam is very likely a psychopath. What a total shocker. You’d think I would have recognized this sooner, wouldn’t you? We’ve been friends since high school for God’s sake. I played softball with her all through my 20s. We were in each other’s weddings and today she’s still one of my best friends. So why didn’t I notice something was amiss?

And she looks so normal...

I’m also a bit surprised Pam’s psychosis slipped by me because in college I minored in Abnormal Psychology. I know it’s been 40 years, but still…I’m sorta drawn to the crazy. Excuse me; I believe the politically correct term is unstable. My bad.

You may be wondering how I discovered this personality disorder in my good friend. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying she maimed anyone and subsequently displayed no outward signs of telltale guilt because of a lack of empathy or ability to relate to others.

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When I Was Stupid

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Okay, so here’s what happened.

Three weeks ago Marin Humane asked me to foster a couple feral kittens. Naturally, I said yes to Trinity and Sturgill. You can foster domestic kittens all you want, I don’t blame you. Domestic kittens are like baby Pandas. What’s not to love?

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Bring It On!

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So you probably know about my trials and tribulations with a leaky kitchen faucet. Trouble was, the insurance inspector couldn’t say for sure if that caused my hardwood floor to buckle but they refused to replace it just the same. I griped about it, threatened to go elsewhere, and the funds miraculously appeared in my checking account.

So off I went to look for new flooring, deciding on Luxury Vinyl Planks because it’s practically bullet-proof. That’s fine and dandy but what I wanted is flooring that’s pee-proof, water-proof, scratch-proof, and one that cleans itself. I got three out of four. Not bad.

You see, Taffy misses her pee pad almost daily. Callie, who is 13 this month, physically can’t make it out the dog door most days and try as she might to hit the pee pad, her foggy eyes mean her aim isn’t stellar. Then there’s Oliver with his luxurious long fur (which means constantly cleaning up hairballs) and Fat Jack who overindulges then promptly vomits his meal. Consequently, as much as I like it, hardwood flooring in my house is dumb.

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A Close Call

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If you had your hand on my chest right now, yes it’d be inappropriate, but the point is, you’d feel my heart beating like I’d just seen a ghost. I’d love that, actually. Seeing a ghost, that is. But the reason my heart is on overdrive is because my 4 mutts were just attacked by another dog.

I almost talked myself out of taking Callie, Skip, Wally and Taffy for a stroll because, well, it’s called pure laziness. My days have been so packed lately that when I drag my weary bones home, the thought of moving from my cozy chair is not an inviting one.

Callie and Wally
Taffy
Skip

Still, guilt won me over. How can I relax when 8 eyeballs are glued to my every move? I felt their stares even as I pretended to be asleep. But my unsympathetic mutts were having none of it. So I begrudgingly took them for a walk.

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