Yes, it’s true, and I’ll prove it. It’s likely you might end up thinking I’m not only pathetic, but a bit weird. And who am I to argue? Odds are you wouldn’t be wrong.

So let’s jump right in: I SAVE SLUGS. Let me rephrase that. I rescue slugs. Well, that’s not much better, is it? The thing is, I have those disgusting, banana-type slugs making their slimy way into my kitchen and occasionally my garage. Repulsive, huh?

I’m guessing they go into the crawl space under my house, make their way under the sink, then INTO the sink. I know, it’s disgusting; I’m with ya there. Are they looking for water? Your guess is as good as mine. Any professional slug experts out there, aka limacologists? Why yes there are…

Being an idiot concerning these gastropods (had to look that up), I’m not sure if they’re young banana slugs on their way to being massive slugs nearly the size of a banana, or are they everyday regular old slugs? Truthfully, I don’t know and I don’t care. I just want them to leave, but they won’t listen to me. Perhaps slugs are deaf. Who knows? (Turns out Rory does.) And yes, snails are deaf.

Now don’t get me wrong; I’m pathetic for the very reason that, as gross as they are, I have trouble bringing myself to kill the slugs, although I may have once by accident. I stepped barefoot into the garage late one night and landed on one. It was traumatic, and not only for the slug I nearly squished to death.

Twice in the middle of each night, I let my recently incontinent dog, Skip, outside to pee; hence how I discovered my indoor slugs. While Skip takes his sweet time making his way to the farthest end of the yard, I head to the kitchen to see what surprise awaits. Apparently my slugs prefer making their entrance from 2 a.m. to 5:30 a.m.

What’s really disgusting is realizing they can slither through the tiniest opening, like rodents do. I recently caught a slug appearing stuck half in and out of the sink because it found a tiny section where the sink sealant had disappeared.

Worst of all, I actually pulled the slug out! Let me tell you, it was repulsive; that bugger put up quite a fight. And then, about to throw it in the garbage, I found another slug. I thought, okay that’s it! So I wrapped the slugs in a paper towel, put them in a Ziplok bag, sealed it, tossed it into the garbage under the sink, and then tried to…

But it seems slugs, thankfully, don’t suffocate, at least not at my house. I had trouble sleeping after that, and not because Skip had to pee again three hours later. So here’s where I’m truly pathetic. In the morning, after checking the garbage, I was actually relieved to see the slugs were alive. They both made their way out of the paper towel but got stuck in the baggie. I felt horrible.

Unbeknownst to me, I apparently have a soft spot for these creepy looking things. It surprised me, but it shouldn’t have since I hate killing anything except fleas, ticks and flies; although I even feel guilty seeing the flies stuck to the hanging trap above the dog door, where they sneak in through a faulty seal.

So now my routine, while Skip’s out peeing, is to check the sink and garage. If I find a slug, I head out, barefoot in the middle of the night, and deliver that gastropod into bushes far enough away that it considers it not worth the effort to come back.

Unfortunately, slugs are either smarter than they look, faster than they appear, or have told their friends how easy it is to access my home. And that, dear friends, is why this pathetic person is about to head to Home Depot for some impenetrable sink sealant.

But wait, there’s more! This is only one example of my patheticness. Next week I’ll share three more and then we shall never speak of this again.