Last week, to thank Lauren for her kindness and compassion while euthanizing my dog Skip, I made one of her favorite desserts, tiramisu.

Now don’t get me wrong; I’ve made tiramisu before but Lauren is vegan and the last vegan tiramisu I made was MANY moons ago. Sadly, I couldn’t recall the recipe but apparently it was a big hit. My guess is I combined a couple of recipes. But which ones? Therein lies my first problem.

Let me just say, as you are my witnesses, I will NEVER AGAIN make vegan tiramisu. You can take that to the bank. Do they still say that? Well anyway, in five words: IT WAS A FLIPPIN’ NIGHTMARE.

I admit I was surprised because desserts are my thing. I have a sweet tooth and enjoy making sweets to share with my friends and the staff at Marin Humane. They’re my guinea pigs, so if they like something, I’ll make it again.

So first I made the cake, which felt heavier to me, but I chalked it up to being older and more of a weakling now. Actually, everything feels heavier to me, even my 7 lb cat, Oliver. But I digress. The next day, I took a chance and randomly chose one of my vegan tiramisu recipes. This one called for coconut cream but I only had coconut milk; there’s a big difference. Don’t you think that should have been a hint I’d chosen the wrong recipe?

At home, I gathered the other ingredients. Since I was stuck in the kitchen, I streamed, You’ve Got Mail, for the gazillionth time, then I started the second phase. That’s when watching a movie proved not to be such an excellent decision.

So I melted the coconut oil in the microwave, then mixed the cashews, maple syrup, vanilla, soy milk, and salt in the blender. But here’s the clincher: I neglected to remove said melted coconut oil from the microwave to add to the vegan mascarpone. So I dumped it and started over. Damn that movie!

For my next fiasco, I blame the recipe directions. It said coconut cream is to be chilled overnight in the fridge, whereupon I’m to use only the hardened cream at the top of the can. This is sorta hard to do when the entire contents froze.

I spent a half hour trying to dislodge the rock-hard coconut cream, to no avail. I placed it in the microwave to loosen it up. Still no go. I tossed it into the mixer but it looked like tiny white beads, not the smooth mixture I was anticipating.

This is where buying extra coconut cream became my only smart move. The next day, I removed the can from the fridge WAY sooner, and assembled the tiramisu later that day so the flavors could meld overnight. This time, my mistake was dusting the chocolate powder on top too soon, so it appeared like ganache, which it’s not supposed to. Still, Lauren texted to say how delicious the tiramisu was. Lauren, it seems, is a liar. Oh, and I suppose I should have told her a slice has 694 calories.

My last humiliating act of this catastrophe was doing the dishes. As I rinsed them, I somehow hit the spray button on the spout, which flew out of my hand like a possessed snake flinging itself back and forth, all the while spraying me, my dog Taffy, and half of the kitchen. It was so ludicrous, I couldn’t stop laughing as I later mopped the floor and wiped the kitchen down.

So no, I will NEVER AGAIN make vegan tiramisu. It was a flippin’ nightmare. And you, my friends, can take that to the bank.