Category Archives: Humor

My Jury Summons

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Seems like just last month I received a jury summons but apparently it was 2 years ago. Where does the time go? Beats me.

All I know is I opened that all-too-familiar envelope I suspected was calling me to jury duty. Either that or a traffic citation. But I haven’t been pulled over in years so scratch that. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not against fulfilling my civic duty. But it doesn’t exactly thrill me either.

Having said that, I can think of a dozen other things I’d rather be doing. But to be honest with you (and when am I not?), if I were a defendant in court I’d want someone like me on the jury. Why, you ask?

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What Gives Me The Willies

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Last week I wrote about how I try to accept scary or creepy looking things for what they are even though they often give me the willies. And for the most part I can do that. Except when it comes to one particular species: snakes.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I hate snakes; I just don’t like ‘em. They sorta make my skin crawl, the hair stand up on the back of my neck. You get the picture. And try as I might to accept them, I freak out whenever I encounter one. So I’m failing miserably in the acceptance department where snakes are concerned.

What brought this up, you ask? I read an article last week about a man who found a snake hiding in his sofa. Since you’re probably in shock, let me repeat that. A ginormous snake was curled up behind a cushion in this man’s sofa!

So here’s the deal in case you didn’t know…

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I’m a Hypocritical Pacifist

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As you know, I adore animals. In fact, even though I’m not enamored with every species, I try to appreciate them for what they are. I imagine the scary looking ones are more afraid of us than we are of them. At least that’s what I tell myself.

A Black Dragonfish

For instance, take spiders. I don’t mind them, except maybe the brown recluse. Suffice it to say anything whose venom can eat away part of my face with a single bite is something I’m more than willing to avoid. Now don’t get me wrong; it’s nothing personal. I’m sure they’re perfectly delightful creatures in a creepy spider kinda way.

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Going Sugar-Free

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Have I mentioned I gave up sugar for almost 7 months? No? Well, I did. I bet I know what you’re thinking…how could I, a sugar addict, give up the white stuff (once again) for more than a day? I suppose you could say I didn’t TOTALLY give it up. After all, sugar is in pretty much everything, right?

sugar 2

You’d be amazed at the amount of sugar Americans consume in a day. One teaspoon of the stuff equals 4 grams and let me tell you, that adds up quickly. For instance, did you know a Snickers Bar has 28 grams of sugar? Wow. Good thing I don’t like Snickers. Sadly, I adore Baby Ruth’s with 33 grams.

snickers and baby ruth bars

I’m relatively certain only particular vegetables are sugar-free. Potatoes, however, aren’t one of them. Don’t be fooled, folks; the foods that don’t blatantly look sugar-laden convert into it immediately upon hitting your tongue. And don’t even get me started on pasta.

spicy pasta

Spicy tomato cream pasta…yum

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Daylight Saving Time

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I don’t know about you but daylight saving time always throws me for a loop. As you already know, I’m a night owl. I don’t do mornings well but I’m sorta forced to by my animal menagerie. They see to it I don’t reach the recommended 8 hours of sleep per night. In fact, they are quite adept at it.

I ask you, does any woman over age 60 get 8 hours of sleep? If so, I have yet to meet her. And if I ever do, I’m pretty sure I’d hate her. Wait, hate is too strong. Let’s say dislike immensely. But that’s only because I’d envy her. Then I’d dislike her because I envy her. Confused? Me too…

Now don’t get me wrong; I was unaware of the time change last Sunday. Can you believe it? (That was rhetorical.) Only caught my mistake when I glanced at my phone early that morning. Talk about being oblivious…

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