Now Don’t Get Me Wrong

I realize today’s post will probably offend those of the male persuasion, but on behalf of women everywhere (or at least those who read this column and happen to agree with me), I feel it’s time to break the silence.

My intent today is not to insult men, but rather to enlighten them to Proper Behavioral Manners, henceforth known as PBMs. The perplexing male behavior I’m referring to is, specifically: (a) nose picking, (b) spitting, and (c) the ever popular crotch grabbing.

I have noticed that men tend to do (a) and (b) while driving, so it stands to reason they are probably doing (c) whilst in the car also. Here’s my question: Are you aware we can see you?

So often I’ve been forced to utter eeewww! at the sight of a guy in a neighboring car, his finger lost in his nose. Lesson learned: keep my eyes on the road.

Car-driving-nose-pickers act as if they’re at home hidden behind a secure bathroom door instead of stopped at a busy intersection. In deference to us innocent onlookers, nose pickers should be required to own cars with tinted windows. Violators must wear mittens when driving or perform community service advocating the merits of Kleenex.

What happened to public etiquette? My mother always taught me to keep my elbows off the table and my fingers out of my nose. Don’t mothers tell their sons the same thing?

Perhaps not, because I have never seen a woman with her finger in her nose. And it’s not like I don’t get around. I’ve been to public places where the opportunity to witness nose picking ladies is abundant — like Disneyland or Nordstrom’s during their twice yearly shoe sale.

With half the world being composed of women, you would think I might have encountered at least one of them digging for the promised land, but I haven’t. Therefore, I can only deduce that the absence of PBM’s originated in, and is generally restricted to, the male species.

So what does that say about the way we raise our sons? That we don’t harp on the social graces with boys as much as we do girls? Or do boys simply have more debris in their noses? I’m going to leave that one for the professionals.

That brings me to spitting. Few things are more repulsive than witnessing, on your way to brunch, what appears to be a glob of over-easy egg whites being spewed from an open car window (hence, another fine use for Kleenex).

The only thing worse is when said glob lands on your windshield, so you keep looking at it as you drive to the restaurant because, amazingly, not even 50-mile-an-hour winds will budge that baby.

So that leaves us with crotch grabbing, a popular activity with most baseball players. I used to enjoy watching our national pastime on TV until that particular activity (along with spitting) became rampant.

Question: Is your cup too small? Too big? Are you checking to see if you’re wearing one? Perhaps as a non-cup-wearing female, I will never understand the compulsion.

Anyway, I’m sure I have a better chance of winning the lottery than I do of making it through an entire game without viewing an “adjustment” up close on my 55” HD TV.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-male. I love men. I was even married to one. But I simply don’t need to see perfect strangers feeling comfortable enough to share their not-so-appealing inclinations with me.

I’m beginning to think the Ten Commandments missed a rather important one: Thou shall not repulse each other.

17 thoughts on “Now Don’t Get Me Wrong

  1. Congrats Janet on your blog and welcome to the blogging world! It’s fun out here in word-land.

    Enjoyed reading but I need to add something- I think your PBMs listed above are actually part of the male gene. You can train and cajole all you want, but I am afraid it is just part of the male legacy… like not replacing the toilet paper roll or tread marks in underwear. What to do?

    Candace Davenport ~ Little Books with a Big Message

    • You could be right. Well, I guess we take the good with the bad. Thankfully, the good WAY outweighs the bad. But I’m afraid I may have lost any potential male readers by leading with that column. Oh well, I’m living dangerously. Maybe the trade-off will be that I gain a few more female readers!

  2. While I raised a son, I have to admit I’ve never seen him pick his nose, however, he’s a baseball player and I’ve seen him spit and do the adjustment thing!!! I’m going to show him this…who knows maybe he’ll behave himself from now on. Honestly, I think it is a guy thing. Its still gross!!

    • Yeah, and I didn’t even talk about how much those baseball players spit during a game. But can you imagine what the dugout floor looks like after nine innings? It must be like a slip-n-slide in there…

  3. Hi Janet, Susan sent your blog to me – fun reading and truthful too. I’ll look forward to future updates and will you be writing from Spain. Have fun!!! Good luck on your blog. Diana

    • Thanks Diana. I’m glad Sue forwarded you my blog. You will no doubt know a lot of the gals mentioned in it. I think I will pre-post a couple columns before I go to Spain so I won’t have to do it when there and will have them appear when I’m gone. I bet Spain will give me lots of new material to write about! Can’t wait…

  4. Hi Janet: Unfortunately, it is not just baseball players. The music industry is even a worse showcase for crotch grabbing. My worst memory was Michael Jackson performing at the Super Bowl surrounded by children and singing a song with lyrics “love the children” and repeatedly grabbing his crotch. Lenore

    • Ugh…glad I missed that one from Michael. He did have a rather long stage there where he tended to be over-zealous in that area. I heard him say in an interview once that he didn’t realize he was doing it, that it was completely unconscious.

  5. Great column, Janet. Baseball is not the only place for crotch grabbing though, Andy Murray and Andy Roddick (must be an Andy thing) are
    definite crotch grabbers, and let’s not go to Nadal’s underwear pulling! Maybe another article in there?

    • Bev, yes, there could definitely be a sequel to the crotch grabbing column. There’s so much material out there in the male sporting world! Wonder if someone needs to look into a new design for cups? If they could come up with one that doesn’t need constant adjustment, someone out there would be very rich….

  6. Reblogged this on Now Don't Get Me Wrong and commented:

    Those of you who returned to read why I’m so exhausted will have to wait another week because I had the bright idea to get some rest by going on vacation with some besties. This may, however, have been poorly thought out because I’m writing this at 2:30 in the morning and need to be up by 7:00. Best laid plans and all that…so until next week, enjoy this encore post.

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