Getting Lost

compassI have absolutely no sense of direction. Consequently I’m always lost. That’s unless I’m armed with a device that talks to me and leads the way. In fact, I’m not even sure how I got anywhere until good ol’ GPS came along. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m being serious.

Back in the day, before MapQuest and various technological inventions navigated for us, we relied on paper maps and verbal directions. It was hell. But getting around now is much simpler. Having a sucky sense of direction should no longer be a handicap, right? One would think. But my GPS (Stella) just happens to be directionally challenged.

Stella

Stella

Sometimes I’ll test Stella even when I know where I’m going. I’ll enter the address, hit the gas and see what transpires. Invariably, she takes the longest route. Sometimes I think she’s high or maybe in the throes of dementia. Simply put, much of the time Stella has absolutely no idea where she’s going. So that makes two of us.where am I

I’ve been told I should update Stella so she knows which roads are under construction and the new routes to take. For the record, I’ve done that. But the woman is stubborn. I’m just sayin’. She has a mind of her own and I sense a perverse pleasure she acquires from getting me to yell at her like Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. 

S-T-E-L-L-A!

S-T-E-L-L-A!

It’s gotten to the point where I sometimes have a running conversation with her. Well, more like I talk and she ignores me. Then I end up shouting, “Stella, where the hell are you taking me?!” But she never answers. Probably because she has no clue herself.

For instance, I happen to know if I take a left onto La Pasada, I’ll end up at Galerita. But no. Stella has me turn left onto Birch, right on Adrian, left on Ash, right on Vendola, then right on La Pasada (where I end up at Galerita). I ask you…why?  I grew up in that neighborhood. The streets NEVER change. I’m telling you she’s crazy.crazy2

Personally, I think it would be awesome to have a GPS that gets me there without my having to squint at those tiny street signs I can barely read anymore. So instead, I’d like Stella to use landmarks to find, let’s say, the Easy Street Cafe.easy street cafe

Janet, turn at the corner post office where you once fell off your bike. Veer left at the oak tree with the rope swing and then right at the 7-11. Go straight until you see Andy’s Market. Park there since restaurant parking is always full. Walk through the alley where the homeless guy lives then across the street to the cafe. Enjoy your lunch.

If we’ve navigated to the moon and beyond, why can’t GPS do more? Instead, if I continue to follow Stella’s commands, I may soon find myself in a remote area at midnight where a deranged killer is waiting to hack me into little pieces, like on Dexter.Dexter

He’ll bury my body parts in multiple plastic grocery bags that he had the foresight to save before they were banned in our county. I’ll never be found because those things are indestructible, which is why they were banned in the first place.

Takes over 400 years to decompose

Hundreds of years to decompose

And that, my friends, is why I’m sending Stella into retirement and purchasing Bob, a more capable, less annoying GPS. So long, Stella. It’s you and me now, Bob. We’re goin’ places.

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