I don’t know, maybe I watch too many of those true crime programs that feature crazies committing horrendous murders. Or worse, seemingly sane individuals who murder. Not even the gal next door is safe. And that gal could be me. For instance, one night not long ago, I was in my office on my computer around 1:00 a.m. when I heard a car pull up.

As you know, when we’re in a lighted room looking out into the night, we can’t see anyone. But they can see us. Spooky, huh? That night I saw only head and tail lights as the car idled in place for seemingly several minutes. That’s when I imagined the occupant of said car was likely plotting my demise.

Pretending not to notice, I kept typing when I heard the car door slam shut, meaning someone exited the vehicle. Trying to discern what was going on without telegraphing panic, I caught a glimpse of a figure, illuminated by the moonlight, walking up the edge of my lawn toward my house. My heart raced and for a moment I wondered why it is I don’t own a gun. Just then, my home security alarm went off…meaning my 4 dogs went ballistic.

Wally and Taffy

Skip and Callie

This is why I don’t have motion sensor cameras. Nothing gets by my canine monsters. They can hear someone strolling down the street 2 houses away, whereupon they sprint to the living room sofa, yelping at anyone who walks past our home without the decency to stop and say hello.

Seriously, who would be stupid enough to break into my house? But if anyone did, one of two things will happen: they will either be slobbered with kisses by Skip and Wally or, on the flip side, be nipped at the ankles by Taffy and very likely bitten by Callie in a place where they’d rather not be bitten. Not sure I’d want to take that chance if I were breaking and entering. Or murdering.

Anyway, back to the Boogeyman. I happily let the dogs greet our visitor’s arrival instead of yelling for them to settle down. I thought, Bark your brains out. Give him something to worry about. But figuring this guy was about to scale my backyard fence, I considered looking for something I could use as a weapon. That’s when I realized I have nothing!

My two fireplaces are gas-operated so forget about a metal poker stick in which to jab him should he enter and not be sufficiently chewed upon by Callie. No baseball bat, since my softball days are long gone. Suddenly I wished I’d taken up archery so I could easily impale said intruder to the hardwood floor. Yes I have kitchen knives, some quite large, but to be honest, I don’t think I could stab someone unless he’s hurting one of my animals. Then I’d gladly castrate him with one swipe.

Hmm…got anything larger?

Anyway, as it turned out, none of that was needed because soon the guy went back to his car. I heard the door slam and the car drive off. I thought, now that was odd, and breathed a sigh of relief. Then I made a mental note to buy an archery set.

The next day I was telling my neighbor about the incident when she laughed, then informed me my potential murderer had been her son returning from a night out with his friends. He couldn’t hold it one second longer, so he peed in the bushes next to my house.

Perhaps it’s about time I stop watching true crime programs.