I recently discovered an area where I believe I’m proficient, not that it’s anything to brag about, but here goes anyway…I’m an expert fly swatter (aka, killer). But seriously, no need to flatter me unless you want to.

Now don’t get me wrong; a fly swatter wasn’t something I aspired to be; believe me, I’ve had loftier goals. But this issue has been ongoing for months – annoying little fruit flies and regular annoying flies buzzing around my kitchen like World War II dive bombers heading toward anything that resembles food, even my fake pears. I’ve since learned that fruit flies aren’t particularly discerning insects.

Regular-sized flies have found the guest room, where, when guests aren’t here, I feed my six cats. Apparently, flies enjoy cat food as well as dog food, but my dogs eat so quickly, the flies are left virtually nothing. Still, they never give up in their quest for sustenance.

Each day they seem to expand their territory. I find them on the ceiling, on door frames, and cabinets. But their favorite hangout (besides the kitchen), is on photo frames. When they land on the white frames in the guest room, I have a field day since they stand out like black flies would on a white frame; not too smart on their part. (Check out my mom’s frame.) Those two flies are sittin’ ducks.

I’ve now armed myself with three fly swatters— one in my office, one in my bedroom upstairs, and one in the kitchen. Obviously, I need more help. So when I’m not on my game, and my headcount for eliminating these pesky insects isn’t up to par, I resort to hanging more of those sticky fly strips. They’re attracted to them like moths to a fire. Within days, the strips are full. Then I hang another, and another, and another…

I also bought a plug-in Zevo flying insect trap, which supposedly attracts them to the blue light. In the last month, it has caught exactly two adult flies and three fruit flies.

Friends, my patience is wearing thin. In fact, last Wednesday I closed myself in the guest room and spent a good half hour swatting like a mad woman until I’d sent at least two dozen to fly heaven.

My cats think I’ve lost my mind, but I’m used to that. When they see me with the swatter, they tend to hide, except for Fat Jack; he’s the brave one. My dogs, on the other hand, are totally indifferent to my maniacal obsession to have a fly-free house. They barely lift their head to watch me wildly swinging away. Perhaps I’m possessed.

I play tennis, so I’m used to swinging at objects flying through the air. But I’ve discovered that hitting a tennis ball is MUCH easier than hitting flies, which change direction unbelievably fast. Not knowing much about these insects, I wondered if they have eyes in the back of their head since I can’t seem to creep up on them before they take off. Fun fact: I researched it and flies actually have five eyes, so they can see all around them. Aha, that explains it!

One major issue is that I need a new dog door flap. My current one has a gap on the side, basically saying, hey you flies, come on in! And, as my plumber recently said, something may be dead in the crawl space under my kitchen where the flies found a way inside. I even let the curl grow out of my hair, hoping these little pests wouldn’t recognize me. But it appears flies are smarter than I give them credit for, and I’m dumber than I thought.

Now my motto is, NEVER SAY DIE, except when it comes to flies. So here’s what I’m thinking…

First: Quit procrastinating and get that new dog door flap. Second: Have the dead critter under the house removed and the suspected entry hole patched. Third: No longer think of myself as an expert fly swatter. Fourth: Consider moving.

“WHENEVER I GET DOWN ABOUT LIFE GOING BY TOO QUICKLY, WHAT HELPS ME IS A LITTLE MANTRA THAT I REPEAT TO MYSELF: AT LEAST I’M NOT A FRUIT FLY.” — Ray Romano

“DO WHAT WE CAN, SUMMER WILL HAVE ITS FLIES.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

And lastly…

“I’D RATHER HAVE TEN SNAKES IN THE HOUSE THAN ONE FLY.” — Mark Twain letter, 1910