Category Archives: Humor

I’m a Badass

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Originally posted in 2018

I can be a badass.

You don’t believe me, do you? You think because I’m a diminutive 63-year-old that I sit at home and knit every night, a cup of tea and a cookie on a table next to my easy chair. Oh how wrong you are, my friends.

team and cookie

First of all, I don’t particularly like tea. In fact, if I didn’t think it was healthy for me, I’d never drink it again. Secondly, I don’t knit. It’s not my cup-o-tea. (Wink, wink.) Thirdly, I’d never have just one cookie. Who can have just one? Seriously, I wouldn’t care to know that person.

Now don’t get me wrong. By “badass” I’m not saying Marin County police have memorized my name. In fact, my criminal life consists of two traffic violations. (Yawn.) One I blame on my friend Sharon when, at her urging, I drove straight in a right-turn-only lane. What can I say…we were running late. My other crime was speeding. Yes, I admit I have a lead foot.

Speed demon

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A Felon with a Pretty Face

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Jeremy Meeks
Jeremy Meeks

If you don’t recognize that name or face, you don’t own a TV, read the newspaper, have a computer or listen to the radio. That means you’re most likely a hermit living in a cabin in the mountains of Minnesota. Does Minnesota have mountains?  If so, that’s probably where you’re living – sort of like the Unabomber except with essentials: an espresso machine, See’s milk chocolate chews and Crest Extra Whitening Toothpaste. After all, you’re not a barbarian, just uninformed. Now back to Jeremy…

Unabomber, Ted Kazinski
The Unabomber
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Love Me Some Sweet Releaf

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You’ll have to excuse me if I’m slurring my letters. You see, I’m under the influence of weed cream. Therefore, I can’t be held responsible for inappropriate words I’m likely to type. There’s also a chance I might not make sense. But what else is new? Let’s blame it on weed cream.

mercy wellness2

What, you might ask, is weed cream? Actually, I’m surprised you don’t know. Being one of only 2 other people I’m aware of on the planet who’ve never tried marijuana, I thought pretty much everyone was savvy to the multitude of ways the drug is used. Now don’t get me wrong; I’ve still never smoked the stuff. I’m more interested in the medicinal effects of pot. This is what happens with age.

It’s not that I have anything against pot smokers; I just never had any interest. I did, however, try smoking a cigarette once. It felt like my throat was closing and I’d slowly suffocate to death, whereupon I’d be found days later half-eaten by my dogs. Unlike my cats, they aren’t as particular about what they consume. Meet Picky, Picky and Picky.

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Itsy Bitsy Spider

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itsy bitsy spider

I read something extremely disturbing this week. No, it wasn’t about ISIS or Syria, although it doesn’t get much worse than that. But that’s not the kind of disturbing I’m talking about. I suppose this particular topic is more repugnant than tragic. And here’s why…

A spider took up residence in a woman’s ear canal. I’ll give you a minute to absorb that. Feel free to step away from the computer if you’d like to get up and shudder away the grossness. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

spider

Better now? I know how you feel because I had the same reaction. Can you even imagine such a thing? I would guess fear of spiders is one of the top 5 phobias that provoke the heebie-jeebies in people. And news like this isn’t going to help one bit.

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Good To Go

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Recently I wrote about an optometrist discovering I have weird eyes in that the angle around the inside edges (to simplify a complicated explanation) is tilted in such a way that my eye fluid (yes, we have eye fluid), wasn’t draining like it should which could result in glaucoma and possible blindness if gone undetected. So a couple weeks ago an ophthalmologist made a hole in my left retina with a laser and on Friday he lasered the right . Let the draining begin!

Apparently as we age, it’s not just aches and pains we deal with. We can get something called shingles, which is said to be hiding in the bodies of adults over 50 who have had chicken pox. Yikes. Seems it plays hide seek with us so we never know when it’ll pop out, like Jack in the Box (the toy, not the fast food restaurant).

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