I can’t have nice things.
That’s because within months, sometimes weeks, they are no longer nice things. You see, I have a tendency to spill, rip, stain, break and generally ruin stuff.
unknown goop on my tennis topOn those rare occasions when I do have nice things, I try to be so careful that I usually end up doing exactly what I tried hard to avoid. Like being told not to think about the pink elephant in the room. Once it’s in your brain, that’s ALL you can think about.
Last week while gardening I got bit by a poisonous spider on my left thumb. My hand swelled to the size of Donald Trump’s head. I know, I know. I’m picking on the guy. But when I have such juicy material to work with, I simply can’t resist.
Anyway, when the swelling appeared to cut off my circulation, I drove myself to the emergency room. At this point my hand was as hot as a fire iron and crimson red. I can’t tell you how scary and painful it was. Long story short, I’m now typing this blog with one less thumb.
Okay, okay, I’m lying. Need I remind you I said you won’t believe this? Well, I wasn’t lying about that. Unless you actually fell for my story and felt bad I lost my thumb. In that case, I’m sorry you’re gullible.
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I just found out my friend Pam is very likely a psychopath. What a total shocker. You’d think I would have recognized this sooner, wouldn’t you? We’ve been friends since high school for God’s sake. I played softball with her all through my 20s. We were in each other’s weddings and today she’s still one of my best friends. So why didn’t I notice something was amiss?
And she looks so normal…I’m also a bit surprised Pam’s psychosis slipped by me because in college I minored in Abnormal Psychology. I know it’s been 40 years, but still…I’m sorta drawn to the crazy. Excuse me; I believe the politically correct term is unstable. My bad.
You may be wondering how I discovered this personality disorder in my good friend. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying she maimed anyone and subsequently displayed no outward signs of telltale guilt because of a lack of empathy or ability to relate to others. Continue reading
I have 4 cats and 4 dogs. All my cats were once living a feral life and of the 4, Savannah is still semi-feral. She heads for cover whenever someone stops by. If cats could cringe, that’s what she’d do when I pick her up. When all the others gather in the family room in the evening, she retires upstairs. I’d say she’s a cat who enjoys her own company.
During the day, the animals come and go through the pet door to enjoy the backyard. But then one day Savannah discovered how to access the front yard via the hot tub, a short leap onto the fence, a walk alongside the shed, then down into the front garden under the maple tree.
Savannah’s garden escape
To Savannah, I suppose it felt like the feline version of the movie, The Shawshank Redemption. 
I’m a multitasker. My brain is always one step ahead of the rest of me and it’s tough playing catch up. You see, I find it difficult to do only one thing at a time. The real problem is that there’s only 24 hours in a day. Even though I only sleep for 5-6 of them, I continually discover there’s just not enough time to do what I need to do. Or more importantly, want to do.
For instance, while I’m writing this, I’m propped up in bed, intermittently checking my emails, watching the 11:00 news and alternately petting my cat Oliver, who’s asleep on the night stand and then my dog Skip, who’s glued to my side. I’d pet my dog Callie too but she’s at the foot of the bed and I don’t want to reach down that far. Hey, I’m human. I can only do so much.
Sometimes I wish I could quiet my brain. I tried meditation but there’s an art to that, don’t you think? Being able to focus on, well…nothing, is hard. It takes discipline and lots of practice. At least that’s what I hear. Anyway, who has the time? Besides, when I’ve tried meditating, it gives my mind free reign to go wild. And let me tell ya it takes full advantage.
Now Don't Get Me Wrong 