One of the best things about watching the recent Academy Awards is not having to actually watch all 3 1/2 tedious hours.

All I can say is, thank you Lord for whomever invented the DVR. I’m able to fast forward through 2 1/2 hours of gloating movie stars to get to the real substance: the dresses. And maybe the occasional spontaneous, heartfelt acceptance speech.

I suppose you could call me an Oscar snob. Now don’t get me wrong; I love movies and great story telling. But for me, the fun part of the awards is seeing the latest fashions – who got it “right” and who didn’t; hearing who will humiliate themselves with a thoughtless comment on stage; who trips on her dress; who doesn’t actually smile on camera when they learn they’ve lost.

Those are the rare, real moments at the Oscars. It’s a night of watching popular, beautiful, rich people get even more recognition and awards for being good at having convincingly pretended to be who they aren’t.

So here are my Academy Award observations:

THE GOOD

* The dresses were amazing. No meat dresses, no swan dresses. Not a feather in sight. Sort of took all the fun out of saying, That woman needs a new stylist. Only Lady Gaga’s red elbow-length leather dish gloves stood out to me. But then, it’s Lady Gaga. And that was rather subdued for her.

* Graham Moore’s speech about his suicide attempt at age 16 and his message to others: be true to yourself, stay weird and different. You matter. Someday you, and everyone else, will know it.

* Patricia Arquette demanding wage equality for women. It’s about time!

* John Legend singing the moving and beautiful song, Glory and Tim McGraw with Glen Campbell’s, I’m not Gonna Miss You.

* J.K. Simmons, the guy who does Farmer’s Insurance commercials, winning for best supporting actor.

THE BAD

* Michael Keaton chewing gum the entire evening. It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t chew like a beaver. It’s as if he has no molars, so keeps the gum at the forefront. Keaton only removed his well-chewed gum before the Best Actor category was announced. All for naught, poor guy.

* I wanted to slowly strangle Milena Canonero, the woman who won for Costume Design. Did she milk her 15 minutes of fame or what? It took her 30 seconds to get out of her chair, feigning surprise after learning she’d won. Then she proceeded to saunter to the stage as slow as humanly possible. I can only imagine how self-aggrandizing her speech must have been. Luckily, I could and did hit fast forward.

* John Travolta unable to stop touching Idina Menzel’s face while on stage. 

* The academy neglecting to mention Joan Rivers during the In Memoriam.

* Dakota Johnson snapping at her mom on the red carpet. Fifty shades of shame on you.

I’m sure I missed many more bad moments and for that I again thank my fast forward button.

THINGS I LEARNED

* Neil Patrick Harris is brave. He walked out on stage in his tighty whities in front of millions of viewers. I’m uncomfortable being spotted in my robe getting the morning paper.

* Lady Gaga can sing. Who knew? I thought her antics were just a smoke screen for her inability to vocalize. Sort of like a younger version of Madonna. But I stand corrected.

* Meryl Streep’s hubby could not have looked more bored or less supportive when God-like references were thrown Meryl’s way. Sort of can’t blame him.

* Apparently I have no taste where “art” is concerned. I could only make it through 30 minutes of the award winning movie, The Grand Budapest Hotel. And I thought Birdman was kinda weird.

So what do I know?

THE END