In my silly life, I count on some things being predictable. Some simply occur and I accept them. Then again, some of my truths are nothing more than just my opinion. I guess you could say I hold these truths to be self evident…
When taking my dog, Nellie, for a walk, she will poop on the lawn of the one person in our entire neighborhood who happens to be out front the moment we walk by. Every other house we pass is like the Twilight Zone, appearing eerily empty from the outside. Yet that damn dog will zero in on the one lawn which also happens to be perfectly manicured. She never does it on a dead lawn or in a rock garden.
I sense it the second I see someone out front tending their garden or mowing their precious lawn. Those people are like magnets to my greyhound. I even get my poop bag ready as we approach, prefacing my apprehension by saying, “Don’t even think about it, Nellie.” But she does more than just think about. Every. Single. Time.
While on the 90 minute early morning drive to San Francisco transporting cats to be spayed and neutered, I will come up with a blog idea and begin writing at the numerous stop lights on Lombard and Van Ness. And because construction is and will be happening seemingly forever, I have plenty of time to record my thoughts.
Whenever I wash my windshield, which has been obstructed by a year’s worth of God knows what plastered to it, the second I drive down the freeway with that crystal-clear, sparkling glass practically blinding me as the sun streams through, it will undoubtedly encounter a particularly gargantuan, juicy, low flying bug on a suicide mission. And it ALWAYS hits directly in front of me at eye level, not conveniently in the far right corner.
You can bet your cats will turn up their noses to that $50 bag of Royal Canin kibble you bought at the pet boutique but will devour within minutes the $12 bag of Kit & Kaboodle from Safeway. They’ll also prefer to play inside an old grocery bag, rudely ignoring their awesome new interactive toy.
Coconut Ginger Martinis are possibly the greatest use of vodka ever invented.
After purchasing skinny jeans, count on gaining 5 lbs. on the drive home.
Nobody can make out the words to the 1976 song, Blinded by the Light. I mean nobody. For 40 years I’ve been singing, Rapped up like a douche and I roll her in the night. Never mind that it makes absolutely no sense. (It was the 70s, after all.) But it’s actually, Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night. What?! I think I’ll stick with my version.
It’s a given we’re all gonna die someday. So why get worked up over the guy who cut you off on the freeway or the lady who brought 15 items to the 10 items or less counter at the grocery store? You’re lucky you’re still breathing; be grateful you have the opportunity to get annoyed. Now don’t get me wrong; I often forget this one myself. But it’s still an evident truth, don’t you think?
When finally heading to a retailer in Napa to spend the gift certificates you’ve had for over two years, count on forgetting to bring said gift certificates with you. Then, since you’re already there, count on buying more at that retailer.
While driving back from San Francisco, again stuck in traffic transporting previously mentioned cats, I will have the opportunity to actually finish writing my blog post since I’ll hit every red light, resulting in the completion of My Self Evident Truths.