• Never ride your scooter on the freeway in a tank top when you’re 62 years old. And when you have upper arms that, on a good day, flap around like fish out of water. Add whipping winds while you’re scooting at 50 mph and what you get is slapped silly by your own arms. I tell you, it’s not a pretty sight. Soon you’ll find yourself riding down the freeway with your arms pinned close to your sides so as not to cause a pile up when motorists look on in horror.

• Do not attempt, on a Wednesday, to push your 153 lb. sister in a wheelchair DOWN Sacramento Street in San Francisco, especially after receiving the wrong directions to your destination. You will be on your heels the entire journey, mimicking one of those barefoot water skiers, in your attempt to prevent your sister from careening down a steep city street like Steve McQueen’s car in the movie, Bullitt. Now don’t get me wrong; what goes down must come up. All 153 lbs. UPHILL, in a wheelchair.

• When you wake up on Thursday with limited movement because it feels like a madman attacked your back with a mallet, no need to wonder why this is so. Just think back to Wednesday.

• Don’t assume it’s a dust ball your cat is intently staring at under the buffet. Chances are it will be a tail-less lizard your cat brought in just for fun and you will have to come to its rescue and release it back outside even though it will give you the Heebie-Jeebies.

• Don’t figure that just because you made an appointment to have your new broken Whirlpool dryer fixed and stayed home during the 3-hour window they scheduled for you, that someone will eventually show up. Because they won’t.

• Attempt not to go completely ape shit when you realize, at 5:00 p.m., that the workman isn’t actually coming to fix your new broken Whirlpool dyer.

ARE YOU COMING OR WHAT?

• Quickly come to the harsh realization that you’ve failed in your attempt not to go ape shit when a workman doesn’t show up to fix your new broken Whirlpool dryer.

• When you buy a watermelon, don’t let it sit for a month in your hot garage on the floor right next to your new broken Whirlpool dryer. Even your four dogs will turn their wet noses up at the soggy mess that is your second favorite fruit.

• In June, don’t attempt to reprogram your drip system at the start of a particularly hot summer. As it turns out, you’ll actually have turned OFF the drip system, which is why you have been watching lush plants you’ve had for 12 years slowly die an excruciating death via severe parchment.

• In September, plan on contacting your landscaper to replace plants you’ve had for 12 years.

• When you decide to take your scooter on a long backroad excursion to drop off a motion sensor camera to someone, make sure you put the SD card in the camera first. Not doing so, as it turns out, is a real bummer.

• Having said all this, the most important thing I learned this week is…..drumroll please……Whirlpool sucks.