10 Things I Find Ridiculous, Chapter 1

You might think this particular post is similar to my “Pet Peeve” posts. But my peeves are totally different than what I find to be ridiculous. Peeves annoy me; ridiculous things baffle and sometimes amuse me. So here are 10 things I can only describe as being simply…

1) The murder trial OJ Simpson: This one is the epitome of ridiculousness. The fact that 12 jurors could buy the cockamamie fiction OJ’s attorneys fed them is beyond belief to reasonable thinking people. The fact is, I believe they wanted to find OJ not guilty.I say had his lawyers gone with the theory that an alien landed his spaceship in Nicole’s backyard, committed the murders, then framed OJ before silently hovering back to the mother-ship, they would have reached the same verdict. I lost all faith in our judicial system that day. I now rest my case.

2) Diminishing eyesight: Used to be I was far-sighted. Now I am neither far, nor near-sighted. So where does that leave me? Blurry-eyed, that’s where. Oh, the joys of aging. Our muscles become soft while our lenses harden. I tell you, it’s ridiculous.3) Sagging: This is the fashion trend where young males, referred to as Saggers, wear their extremely over-sized pants far below their waists. In fact, the lower they can get ‘um, the cooler they feel. Maybe I’m aging myself but here’s what I see: a young man holding his pants up in order to walk, while at the same time stepping like a Geisha girl in a kimono because the crotch of his jeans is around his knees. Come on! I’m all for fashion statements but this one completely escapes me.

4) Academy Award winner speeches: These are precisely why I tape the program. I fast forward through all the gloating to get to the good stuff – the dresses. Hey, isn’t that why we ladies tune in? In fact, I usually mute the red carpet segment too. Anyway, when will actors learn that an Academy Award doesn’t equate to curing cancer or solving world hunger? What the award actually means is this: you did a good job of pretending to be a particular character and your publicist did an excellent job of marketing you and your movie. Now get over yourself.

...and thanks to God, my country, my mail carrier, my dog groomer, for they are all responsible for my awesomeness.

5) Smart cars: Really? My scooter is safer than cars like these that crumble upon impact. Now don’t get me wrong; they may be eco-friendly, but what do you care when you’re dead? At least on my scooter I can see what’s about to annihilate me.

After colliding with a motorcycle. A motorcycle!

6) Watermelon with seeds: Why bother with spitting out those slimy black seeds? It’s gross and nobody can pull it off without looking vulgar. Besides, eating watermelon containing seeds is like choosing a Walkman over an iPod. Why would anyone do it? Try the seedless, people!

7) Viagra Commercials: Does anyone believe there’s one single man in America who hasn’t heard of this wonder drug for weenies? I think not. So save your millions on advertising costs for a product every male knew about mere seconds after the very first commercial aired. Here’s a thought…why not throw some of that dough toward a cure for breast cancer?8) Honking your horn in bumper to bumper traffic: Seriously? What’s up with that? We’re all stuck, not just you, so get a grip. Unless you’re trying to send a polite, please-don’t-back-out-I’m-behind-you warning, or saying hello to someone in the next car, you’re being a jerk. So quit it.9) Diets: It’s a dirty word, if you ask me. The fact is, it takes weeks of watching what I eat to lose 5 pounds, but a slice of lemon meringue pie and 2 peanut butter cookies later and I’ve gained it all back. Plus 2 pounds.10) My dog Skip: It’s been months since I had the new dog door installed and Skip still can’t figure out how to use it.…to which I say: