My home is possessed.

Now don’t get me wrong; I haven’t witnessed a shimmering white image at the foot of my bed in the wee hours of the night. You know I rarely sleep anymore so I’m often awake during prime ghost hours (presumably 2-3 a.m.). Anyway, what self-respecting spirit manifests himself when his intended target is wide awake? Sorta takes the excitement away from scaring me out of a deep slumber, wouldn’t you say?

I’ve named my homebound spirit Winston and I’d love to meet him, if not to simply wring his neck. I imagine, though, it might be difficult to strangle a vaporous white cloud. Still, I’d like to try. The fact is, my annoying heavenly spirit has attempted to get my attention for quite a while before finally succeeding. Well done, Winston.

Turns out my earthly ghost messes with most of my techie gadgets, like Direct TV, computer, cell phone, GPS, portable speakerphone, even my Fitbit. You name it, if it’s electronic, he bewitches it just for yours truly. And to him I say:

Yep, I imagine Winston is having the time of his life. Or death, as the case may be. But I can assure you he’s the only one laughing. I assume he’s laughing since I can’t see him, nor hear him. But I imagine his laugh resembles that of Boris Karloff in the Thriller video.

Boris

Anyway, you know I’m technologically challenged; it’s really quite pitiful. Winston is obviously aware of this because he’s been testing my patience by ensuring every item I previously mentioned develops a glitch or malfunctions entirely. I don’t have time for this. I expect to buy my gadgets and have them perform perfectly until the day I die. Is that too much to ask?

For instance, my streaming capabilities on Direct TV stopped working months ago. One day, as I attempted to view another episode of Orange is the New Black, I found myself looking at a screen message that said Network is not connected.

Don’t ask me why; I have no earthly idea. I even installed the thingamajig to allow my computer to communicate with the TV on the other side of the house. It worked for a long time. Until it didn’t. No rhyme or reason — other than Winston, that is.

And no, I haven’t called Direct TV yet. I dread spending 2 hours on the phone with a technician telling me to unplug a particular wire that’s almost impossible to locate, plug it back in, hit a button, turn off the TV, turn it back on, hit another button, go to settings, hit Internet set up, hit reconnect Internet set up, then wait 20 minutes while it sets up, only to have the screen say: Network is not connected.

WHICH wire did you say you want me to unplug?

Also, my Fitbit stopped working moments after I bought it. Fortunately, they sent me a new one. Unfortunately, that one never started working. (Insert sigh here.) And then one day my car speakerphone suddenly stopped working. The company can’t figure out why or how to fix it. Thank you Winston.

My GPS constantly screws up, which is why I named her Stella. I scream at her like Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire.

Once, she directed me to a deserted dead end street. All happy with herself, she exclaimed, “YOU HAVE ARRIVED!” Stella loves to say that even when I’m a quarter mile from my destination. Then recently, my iPhone started dropping calls and often doesn’t let me hear voicemails until the following day. That leaves me with only one thing left to do: say bye-bye to Winston.

Does anyone know of a good exorcist?

Tell that to Winston

Previously posted in December, 2016. BTW, Winston has left the building.