I’m screwed (so to speak). And mostly because I don’t sleep. Well, I sleep, just not enough. And therein lies the problem.

You see, I read recently that lack of sleep could result in heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, memory loss, stroke, anxiety, obesity, and a higher chance of injury. But that’s not all. There’s more, but I’m depressed now. Uh oh, that’s one of the symptoms!

Turns out I AM injury prone and my memory isn’t what you’d call stellar. Not even close. But I noticed they didn’t mention crabby and I’m here to tell you, that’s definitely a symptom. Just ask my pets after I’ve had 4 broken hours of shut-eye.

Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not a monster. But when my animals hear me griping in the morning after tripping over a dog bed or stepping on Oliver’s hairball, they do tend to hang back a bit and watch intently. Am I that scary when I’m sleep deprived? Apparently so.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve exclaimed, “Taffy, why can’t you hit the pee pad?” I’ve determined she’s directionally challenged, oblivious to the fact that she’s peeing on the hardwood while standing on the pee pad. Words of Wisdom: Never adopt a pee-pad-trained dog. But if you do, make sure she’s irresistibly adorable.

But here’s the thing about being sleep deprived — I don’t feel tired during the day. You’d think I would, right? It’s a mystery why I’m not. Maybe that adage is true: One good thing about getting older is not needing as much sleep. I’m cool with that but 5 hours (if I’m lucky) just isn’t cutting it.

So a while back I heard about THC, CBD and CBN to help summon The Sandman. I’ve never been a drug user but this isn’t for getting high; it’s the opposite. I simply want blissful slumber. Is that too much to ask? So I researched and ordered a variety of hopeful remedies: gummies; a tincture; a patch…you name it.

If you haven’t been to a cannabis dispensary let me tell you, it’s like being a kid in a candy store. (Or like ME in a candy store since I’m an almost-68-year-old who still loves candy.) Anyway, they have everything in there: edibles, concentrates, tinctures, cannabis flower, vapes, extracts, topicals, and probably a bunch of other stuff completely foreign to me.

So I bought gummies containing THC, CBD and CBN. And let me tell you, they work. I don’t take them regularly but when I do, the next thing I know I’m waking up, not even realizing I dozed off. Unfortunately, it seems to only last 3 to 4 hours. But it’s a solid 3 to 4.

Truth be told, it doesn’t help that most of my animals are on the bed with me so I’m doomed. Skip snores, Wally jerks in his sleep, Taffy dreams she’s running, and Callie moans. So I decided to get a sleep app.

The problem I’m having now is choosing the right combo of sounds and/or music to lull me to sleep. Seems I spend more time experimenting with nature combinations: oceans, streams, wind, rain, birds, crickets. An hour later I’m still wide awake, undecided on which combination to choose.

But just the other night I fell asleep to spa music. When I woke up 5 1/2 hours later, it was still playing! That’s nearly a record for me. So tonight I’m determined to meet The Sandman: I’m taking a pot gummy accompanied by some crickets next to a stream with owls hooting in the wind. I figure that should get me 6 hours of shut-eye, don’t you?